If I could curl up in a corner and cry, I would...

muffin_pyxie @ 2008-08-25T11:34:00

2008-08-25T11:05:47Z

So farr - 1 weetabix, 80 mls ff soya milk, sprinkle sugar, 1/2 glass of juice, ryve bread with golden syrup - 300kcal
300 star jumps

muffin_pyxie @ 2008-08-24T21:05:00

2008-08-24T20:25:39Z

Gah, so massive massive massive.

Hope I can do muscle from fat replacement soon :(

well now, this is muchly strange

2008-08-24T09:15:56Z

It seems that, despite munching about 2000 per day, my emoty-stomach-in-the-morning weight has gone from 43.1kg to 42.5kg in about 4 days. Yay. Please god let it be from the upper arms!

Burnt 373 kcals walking around the natural history museum yesterday - it's awesome in there! And I came back with a soft t-rex haha!

Fangdoodles

2008-08-22T17:14:42Z

So sorry,haven't written for AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAges,,, not that anyone actually reads my posts.
This is just for the benefit of the imaginary cyber spiders.....

News just in - I have grown a cm, and way a ma-huh-sive 43.1kg on an empty stomach. *sob* It's all gone to my upper arms, stomach and lower back - WHY!!!!!!!!
So I am going to start lifting little dumbells... I liked having little arm twigs.....

Mum says if I maintain, then I can tell Dr Jaffa I want to leave at Christmas with her support! YAY!

And then my plan is thus...... maintain for a year, so I can reach optimum height. Then, when noone suspects a thing.... get down to RBW! (or Russian Ballet Weight - the ancient concept of your weight (in kg) being your height in cm -127!)
My aunt says I should at least reach 165cm, which would put my ideal at 38kg. Yayay. It's knowing that my fatness isn't permanent that keeps me going with this. Fucking doctors.

I can't wait to go to uni! Want to go to japan in my gap year for intensive language study as well.
Flabby upper arms and stomach major sob blablabla this is all i ever think about!

Plus, it's nice to know that, even after 4000 calories my weight stayed at 43.1.....*sigh of relief*.

muffin_pyxie @ 2008-06-29T18:03:00

2008-06-29T17:10:06Z

dum de dum
I really need to post regularly.
So, had my review almost 5 days ago. Gained 4lbs in 2 weeks. Nicht gut. Despite me now only being 3.6kg away from the weight me and my mum are wanting me to get to, Dr. J is getting inpatient. If, over the next 4 weeks, i don't put on about 1lb per week, then he will admit me to the phoenix centre for the summer to bump my weight back up. A) That will be a SHIT summer, and B) I'll probably have to get to more then 43kg.

So food is temporarily my friend.
Then, when my target weight is reached, excercise will ebcomemy best friend too.
If I can do sport and dance again, and be strong and lean and fit and super-duper active, then I don't mind eating shitloads. I'm not in an ng tube mentality anymore. :)

I'm going to have a nice life.

muffin_pyxie @ 2008-06-18T20:38:00

2008-06-18T19:47:19Z

What the hell is wrong with me?
I never got to go on Saturday - I lost 0.3kg, eating 1850 kcal per day. How does that work, when I maintained the week previously on 1500?
And even now, in between controlled over-eating and restricting when i feel guilty for trying hard, I've still averaged 1850 over 8 days. I can't get my head around gaining, and I've got a freaking review next Tues.

fuckshitwank
I feel huge
Yet I'm so scared - if my weight goes in either direction then it's causes so much psychological and emotional stress... I got through ten kleenex's at my last weigh in, and practically collapsed in a sobbing heap on the kitchen floor yesterday.

fuckshitwank
bloodyhell
bleeeurgh

on a positive: went to see Billy Elliot on Thursday, with school - AWESOME! The kid did 15 fouettes at once! And my friend, Gracie, was in it; one of the dancing girls. It makes you so excited when you know someone!

muffin_pyxie @ 2008-06-08T21:50:00

2008-06-08T20:52:24Z

And so, if I gain weight by Tuesday, I'm allowed to the audition. My daily intake has gone from 1400 to 1800.
It makes me want to cry and smile at the same time. I need to gain weight, otherwise I won't be allowed anything.
So why is it so hard?

muffin_pyxie @ 2008-06-03T18:54:00

2008-06-03T18:00:25Z

And so I will never be a ballet dancer.

Having gained no weight, as was discovered by the dietician, Mum decided that I am allowed no auditions until I reach my target weight, because she is fed up of me and my antics.

The audition for the English National Ballet School Assosciate 1 Year course is next week. And despite me shoving 800 calories down my neck, she still won't let me go.

This is the last year I can audition for it before I am too old. My dreams are dashed. I'm crying, but I don't know who I'm angry with. Her, for not warning me beore that those were her consequences, or me, for getting ill precisely when I wanted to start training for ballet again (age 12).

All I know is that I've lost all my reasons for eating and staying out of hospital. Dance was my one aspiration, that convinced me I wasn't going to be a failure my whole life, that gave me purpose, and soul.

And now it's gone.

And I'm more alone then I ever was before

muffin_pyxie @ 2008-06-01T07:35:00

2008-06-01T06:48:20Z

oh god
i hate FREAKIN' DOCTORS and FREAKING MEALPLANS and FUCKING FOOOOD!
Averaging 1500 a day.
I'M GOING TO BE OBESE.

Coping with it all in my head is so draining... but if I don't gain 'out' then I'll have to gain 'in' if you get my drift.....*sniff* Basically there's no way around it. I can't even refuse to go to clinic on Tuesdays.

Discharge
Veganism (unallowed if I don't gain)
Pointe Shoes (promised when I get to TW)
Friends on Saturdays (if I don't lose, I can go)
Being 'stronger' (that's a doctor/mum one)
Allowed to run and generally do more excercise

And still, I can only see that I'm getting fatter....

Attempted to go out with a girl from school today - I was so BORED, I diplomatically feigned illness and ran back home, to watch 'Britains Got Talent' with my folks (go George!). We're such a sad lot.
Meh, back to school tomorrow. I CAN'T BE BOTHERED! I like holidays, and doing nothing, and sleeping beyond 6am without feeling guilty. But ballet starts again w00t, which is a major plus.

The lip ring is still gunky, but not inflamed or painful - just expelling a bit if whitey-green-not-pus. I asked Anagha about it (doctor) when I saw her, and she just said keep cleaning it. So that's what I do. She wouldn't give me any anti-D's, although she admits I am probably depressed rather then possessing co-morbid low mood because, after all, I'm 82%, which is 'not that low bodyweight' in her terms. She alos made it clear that there is no possible way of discharging myself until I'm maintaining my TW. Cue tears. She said eventually, patience will run out and I'll be admitted as a day-patient again, or tubed, if I cxan't 'do it myself', but whatever happens, I will have to get to my TW.
No choice
I am destined to be huge.

Fuck It

muffin_pyxie @ 2008-05-27T08:15:00

2008-05-27T07:17:50Z

1500 yesterday
1200 the day before
1300 the day before that

GOD I HATE MYSELF

Avg. daily intake: 1334

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

muffin_pyxie @ 2008-05-26T10:23:00

2008-05-26T09:26:45Z

Indiana Jones is crap, people - don't go and see.
It looks like there are some really funky movies coming out soon though, like 'The Forbidden Kingdom' and 'Kung Fu Panda'. I officially want to do martial arts!
Sat down practically all day yesterday; it was raining and I have a mound of holiday homework that I'm still nowhere near completing - so today i'm not going to if I can help it. Have already taken doggy for a walk, and am standing typing this so, no worries :)

Feel so ma-huh-ssive

Shit

muffin_pyxie @ 2008-05-25T09:59:00

2008-05-25T09:11:18Z

ACH... tears keep welling up and I don't know how to stop them.
I'm trying to reason that if I get to my target weight then I'll get discharged.
But there's no way I can make myself have 1800 kcal.
My meal plan was meant to go uo to that yesterday.
But I skanked and refused stuff, and I only ended up having an extra 100.
Which only brought me to 1300, seeing as I normally get away with 1200.

yesterday ~
2 oatibix - 181
40g figs - 100
150mls soya milk - 30
mushroom pate sandwich - 180
vanilla alpro pot - 100
apple - 60
2 veggie sausages - 200
small sweet potato and salad - 150
packet jelly tots (yellow ones left behind, but i won't minus them) - 146
apple - 70
orange juice - 90

total ~ 1314

today so far ~
2 oatibix - 181
16g raisins - 50
150ml soya milk - 30
picking at homemade cake where chunks crumble away - 120

Ah, my life is so dull. I spend all of it hating myself.

Bought my lip ring though yesterday, which makes me happyhappyhappy.
My stepdad thinks it looks stupid, mum prefers the stud, but I don't give a shit.

HALF TERM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

muffin_pyxie @ 2008-05-22T07:11:00

2008-05-22T06:21:21Z

Back from a 24k hike over 2 days - 8 of them with a rucksack about 1/4 of my own bodyweight. KNACKERED. Really lovely scenery though, and we had film cameras, and danced around in fields, which was tres fun!
Ms El-Jamali gave me some vegan gummi bears, as the rest of the girls in my group got eclairs - I was very touched.

2 oatibix - 181
100mls milk made up to 200 mls - 20
16g raisins - 50
more dried fruit - 200
peanut butter rye sandwich - 210
large apple - 70
2 nakd banana bars - 200
rice pot - 300
140g b. beans - 120
140g potato - 120
peas - 30
banana - 100
custard pot - 100
5 dsp peanut butter - 300
mango - 150
fruit and nut mix - 430

Total - 2500
Total per day - 1250

muffin_pyxie @ 2008-05-18T02:06:00

2008-05-18T01:16:02Z

once again I'm back in Twickenham seeing all my friends, and my dad. He;s been pretty peachy-keen all today, which has been nice. My nan freaked out about me getting the one stop train by myself from Cambridge to Kings Cross, and when she met me at the station, started asking me very loudly about how things at the clinic were going etcetc and I just felt like going 'SHUT THE FUCK UP - I'm happy being just a regular member of the general public at the mo' but I didn't, because then the lecture would've been longer.

Today has been jokes - after ballet and lunch I met Jazz in Richmond and we high-tailed it to Kingston and I bought my first ever bra (la senza, 30 aa, w00t!) which is sad but nevertheless bloody exciting for moi! Went back to Jazz's walked the dog, Fleur came round, we ate tea, drank Fleur's vodka/boost concoction she brought with her (vile) and pierced my own lip, then finished off a jar of peanut butter, because I felt sick and in a WTF I'm happy mood!

By -di-bye!

muffin_pyxie @ 2008-05-15T17:36:00

2008-05-15T16:50:33Z

Guten Abend.
School was manic last week - I'm absolutely certain I've failed ALL of my exams and am trying to think like 'Hey, WTF!', but I am sadly one of those people who always has to do well :)
We're going on our Duke of Edinburgh practise walkarounds on Tuesday/Wednesday in Norfolk - that's 15 miles of trudging *snore* I can just hope the weather's decent. If I'm cold then so help me... We practised putting the tent up in Nora's living room yesterday - there's 5 of us, and it sleeps 4... safe to say, it's very snuggly in there. Trawled around the newmarket rd tescos too, getting supplies - found 650 kcal bag of dried fruit that only weighs 175g so that's good for me (exotic boost - basically sugar, mango, pineapple, papaya, strawberries, physalis and COCONUT!!! Basically mega-yummy shit!) plus jelly tots! w00t!
Choosing GCSE's is really hard as well. My meeting left me a bit confused, and my mum and mr heatley kind of had it between themselves, so I'm making mum sit down and listen to me this evening, so she can send an email and give in my REAL choices tomorrow (one of the perks of her working in the office at school). I really want to do dance, but the way the timetable pans out means that I can't do it *sobsobsob* so I need to do a major ring round to Bodywork and King Slocombe and see if they do Dance GCSE or some kind of pre-a-level diploma.. I NEED TO DANCE AND THIS ARRANGEMENT SUCKS!!!!

Having seen the dietician on Tues, I've been put on a meal plan of 1500kcals, which is not so bad, I s'pose. We worked out that my BMR was 1198 kcals, and my ideal intake for weight gain 2200 - 2200!!!! But she respects that I'm not f***ing eating that much, and so upped my intake by 300 (I had a meal plan that Richmond NHS gave me, but it was so easy to cheat and yet still appear to be following it that it only ever gave me about 1000-1200 anyways). It's just remembering all the reasons I need to gain weight that's the hard bit. Mum keeps saying 'tube, phoenix, ballet, friends' to try remind me but, AAAAAAAAAAAARGH.

Toby Clarke is tres cute

muffin_pyxie @ 2008-05-12T20:16:00

2008-05-12T19:18:41Z

I have to try to live.
My thanks to meeni_milk, who's like my angel-on-shoulder.
Going to my bi-weekily meeting at the clinic tomorrow; they'll help.

Good luck everyone in your own battles.
And wish me some to fight demons.

muffin_pyxie @ 2008-05-11T16:55:00

2008-05-11T16:05:10Z

Raves are groovy, and my friends rock the dust!

First time at a party with my schoolfriends, seeing as I've only been back in Cambridge for about 5 weeks! RAAAAVE! Wore my tutu, because I was being a pixie (it was a 'p' costume party) and jumped around and drank diet coke for about 3 hrs straight, before the bulk of people went home and only Lois & Molly (hosts), Claire, Sarah and Rosie and me were left to sleep - no chance of shuteye though, we didn't sleep 'till 3.30 Sunday morning. And on a fuel of only 500 kcals, that's pretty good going!
We had about 4 and a half hours sleep, and have thus spent the day eating and sunbathing. I've had my daily intake all in pretzels, because I didn't realise that the WHOLE FRICKING BAG of them was in the bowl and because my mum was trusting me to eat, and I couldn't eat the cheesy bagels, they were the only thing.
So I'm only eating salad for tea, because mum will make me eat.
And then bed at about 9!

So freaked out that I allowed myself to do that though - eat all the pretzels. That's it - apart from homemade no-cheese pizza, I'm not eating wheat, and nothing that I don't know the ingredients of, seeing as I've just found out that what I thought was onion pretzels was actually sour cream and chive flavour, and thus neither low-fat OR FUCKING VEGAN.

Ah well.
I can skip lunch tomorrow

Normal

and clenched tummy muscles impersonating ABS OF STEEL...

I did a mini-pilates programme (Darcey Bussel, about 7 excercises and a 1hr ballet class today. w00t!

~~God, I'm fat~~

muffin_pyxie @ 2008-05-09T20:59:00

2008-05-09T20:35:39Z

I need to stop.
I gain 4 kg, I can get fit, and dance, and get 'ABS OF STEEL' as my stepdad puts it. Looking back, it's embarrassing how my posts are just food diaries. Christ I need to get a grip.
I will get a grip.

I'm going to be HAPPY!

I've started making a tunnel of one of my ear piercings - the right one. I've already got the 1.6 mm horn through; it's bleeding a bit, and it stings, but it's a start.

95 lbs is not that big anyways, is it? In the grand scheme of things? Right, as of tomorrow, it's 1200, otherwise my weigh-in on Tues will not be pretty.

TTFM

muffin_pyxie @ 2008-05-08T22:18:00

2008-05-08T21:55:04Z

1000 today, 600 yesterday. I never did manage the shake or the peanut butter rice cakes. Mum was so pissed with me.
Made her a massive coffee and nut cake today, 'cause it's her birthday tomorrow. We're ok now though; my mania has passed since yesterday, and since 5 hours earlier, after tea. I made vegan mince today - 75g frozen veggie mince (120 kcals), 1/7 large onion, 1 small garlic clove, 3 tbsp salsa - and it was very yummy. It's now my FAV!!!
AND I'm allowed to go for a run on Saturday morning - how cool is that! Mum relented w00tw00t!
That's all I have to say, really. I have my Science SATs tomorrow *nail biting*. I'm so useless at everything in my life that I'll probably fail, like so many other things. I should just condemn my self to counting clouds and crunches and calories...

muffin_pyxie @ 2008-05-07T21:40:00

2008-05-07T20:53:03Z

why is it that depression just creeps in, with no warning, to swaddle the brain in the bonds of despair?
It shouldn't be like this.
Not today
I've had the lowest in ages today, even with my prescribed snack I still have to have. It's not fair.
I'm only just realising how it's not fair to myself to keep up this masquerade of 'I'll be a ballerina'. I'm 14. I'm not on pointe, only grade 5, inflexible; most peeps who go onto do it professionally are already well developed in their grades, and their pointe. I'M USELESS. And there's nothin for it. I just have to suffer being crap at everything because that is what life is like for me. I got the fucking short straw.
I asked mum to have a kind of careers talk wiht my ballet teacher, and ask her about realistic possibilities. I wouldn't be able to take it if, at 16, I only then realised that my dream would never happen for me, because I was in hospital when I could have been having valuable training time. If I only then realised that all my aspirations were shattered.
If she says there is no hope then I don't know what I'll do. There's no point working towards anything, is there. I might as well have fun going down down down in that little spiral that the doctors just love to talk about, and I won't care. I'll be out of the house, on walks, my family won't have to suffer me, so they won't get p*d of or upset.

How can I face now putting thay straw to my mouth and having that milkshake, or eating my peanut butter and rice cakes? Through my tears, all it does it makes me shudder, yet mum is incessantly calling, 'Flo, come eat your stuff'' and she's getting louder and angrier and I can't put me or her through any more crap, but...AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH I'm sobbing my heart out and I don't know what to do. All my dreams just lie on this precipice, and are seriously threatening to fall. What is a person with no dreams? Life is worthless without them, and pointless.
I just want it all to be ok.

muffin_pyxie @ 2008-05-04T13:58:00

2008-05-04T13:05:43Z

And so, I fall at the last hurdle - that's it, I'm no longer doing any self instigated baking of things I am bound to like. Made banana bread, cut into 20 - then proceeded to nibble of all the cooked edges, and then has about a tbsp peanut butter. Which takes my daily total to 1150, which sucks.

Major dilemma though people - do i get to my target (95 lbs) and get allowed to go jogging and more ballet etc, and then hold up a pretence i'm ok so in the distant future dr jaffa might decde t dicharge me, or do i fuck all, and not bother playing the game... i'll lose my veganism as well though... It's just so hard to be motivated to gain... It makes me feel like I want to if I comply, and thus I'm fat, and horrible, and not obsessed anymore, like these past 2 years have just been me making feelings up... Gaining is betraying myself, yet so id losing, or staying stagnant, because that would deny me any chance of being myself...

DOES ANYONE UNDERSTAND OR AM I TALKING CRAP?

Broken Scales, and Binge Recollections

2008-05-02T16:31:53Z

Today so far I've had: 28g ready brek
                                        100 mls soya milk
                                         1 kiwi
                                         116 kcal slice rye bread
                                          10g cherry jam
                                          alpro yoghurt

And the FUCKING SCALES ARE BROKEN!!! What am I gonna do - I weigh absolutely everything! Rice, tofu, flour, dried fruit... evrything I eat is weighed! That's how it has to be! And now the bloody scales just say Err every time I turn them on.

I'm so tired. It's only 5:30 and all, but i'm knackered. And pissed off.

.Mum won't let me go running, seeing as my current meal plan is essentially making me lose weight, not even maintain. She wants to instigate HERSELF a calorie uppage - hell, I have problems enough motivating myself to eat at home! If she speaks to the dietician before hand, then fine, if not, she can get fucked.

It's weird, i can now sit on my fat arse and not feel all jiggly and stressed, whereas a few months ago sitting down was almost as hard as eating... ALMOST, I repeat, almost.
Eating's not so hard either. I do sometimes make calculated decisions to eat more, I eat tonnes of veggies at dinner, and 2 eggcups of ketchup, then eat crumbs and pick bits off cake and stuff (adding 30 cals here, 50 there, but still...) under my own instigation, which is new, and scary.
Then sometimes, I delve into the peanut butter jar, with a baby spoon, or the chocolate spread, which I must have nestled in the crook of my arm like it was my baby for about 15 mins, licking it out with my finger. I was so freaked out aftewards I just threw the spread away, 1/3 of it still in there (I'd eaten perhaps a third of the 500g jar, and at 520 kcals per 100g, that's no mean pheat). But never again. That's probably my one and only binge. I can't put myself through the hate I felt towards myself, even though I was trying justify it because I had to gain weight.

Can't have mattered so much. Have lost 2 kg since I was last weighed last month. Am I :) or :(
I'm confused

Todays Food

2008-05-01T20:01:00Z

28g porridge                                                  110
100mls soya milk                                            21
1/2 satsuma                                                     15
1 slice rye bread                                            116
1 dsp sugar free peanut butter                   100
1 orange                                                            60
raisins                                                                60
40g dry pasta                                                140
1 tbsp boiled broccoli                                      10
7tbsp peas                                                       60
6tbsp napolenata sauce                                 55
50g banana                                                       50
200 mls soya milk                                            40
40g ginger cake                                              130

Total                                                                  967
2 pepsi max                                                         4

My recent life until now

2008-05-01T17:17:18Z

I might as well have a vent, so you know me.
My name's Flo
My last name is meant to be Brady, because that's my dad's name.
For the first time, i want it to be Ward-Gallagher (mum's maiden+married name).

My parents split up when I was 2. Big deal. That's just how it was. I used to love my dad - funny how these things happen. I don't know how, to be quite honest.
I used to live in Twickenham - well, around there anyways. By the time I was 11, I'd moved house 8 times. I went to Waldegrave, and had (and still have) the best friends ever.
Then Mum, Stu, my two half-sisters and me moved to Cambourne; intended only to be temporary, coz my parents couldn't stick London anymore. This was just before I started year 8. At lent, I'd given up E numbers and unhealthy shit, by June I was a vegetarian.
I started at Comberton Villiage College, and by then I was perhaps eating just slithers of coconut and stir-fry (no oil) and a hell of a lot of diet coke. I started picking holes in my legs.The schoolwas the worst place I've ever been. I was isolated, scared, overwhelmed by the size of it and the business and the chavdom that leaked into my perceptions. In defiance I used to leave my packed lunch in front of the front door, I was depressed, and exercising, crying non-stop, feigning illness so I could go home.
My mum, obviously, was worried. She dragged me to our GP, Dr Bailey, who's daughter had incidentally suffered with anorexia. ANOREXIA. First time I'd even considered the word - when do you talk about it when you're 12? He got the Phoenix Centre onto me, and I was an Outpatient for a month or 2.
By November 13th, 2006, I was a day patient at the Phoenix Centre, Ida Darwin - I lived too close to be an IP. Every meal took forever, I wasn't allowed on walks because I went too fast; but because I wasn't considered particularly dangerous to myself I wasn't one one-to-one, and thus got away with star jumping in the loos.
Christmas was my first meal at home, and the festive spirit was destroyed by me crying into my Quorn sandwiches for 2 hours, and then doing 500 sit-ups in isolation. I was gaining weight, and I was eating - fuck it, how could I be happy? I didn't care whether it was christmas or not.

When I'd got to 43kg, days before my birthday, Dr Jaffa discharged me, because I was not making significant progress, other then forced weight gain. I went home to supposed stability, but, 2 days later, we were evicted in bin bags, because our tenants weren't paying the mortgage. I spent my birthday surrounded by stuff, already not eating properly because no one had the time or energy to check, in a shitty house on the other side of Cambourne.

By February I'd stopped eating entirely - I had a whole new level of control, which nearly brought about the break up of my family. Thank god I had my maternal grandmother to hold on to, because I had plunged everyone else around me into turmoil. i was dragged to addenbrookes after 10 days of nothing, and I was sectioned and tubed - in the 3 days before I was readmitted as a DP to Phoenix, I pulled it out 14 times, and once even pulled it out and put it back in after plugging the end with wax.
2nd time in was harder. FOr 2 months, I was at the table for practically 10 hrs, banned from walks until i ate in normal time, given fortisip to drink, and then tubed again. I stole syringes to try and suck up the contents of my own stomach via the tube. One person faked an overdose just to get away, another screamed 'IT WILL MAKE ME FAT' every time we sat down to eat, which was not helpful. I did however, find people I identified with - a goth, an emo and a grunge advocate - and it brought me round. There's more to life then this.

I pulled out the tube, and refused to have it again. I got from no walks, to staff walks, to peer walks. I was allowed meals at home. Mum could pick me up at 8pm, instead of 11pm, because I was at the table normal meal times. We got a puppy at home. I was discharged mid-June, and went to Parkside School. We moved out of the shitty house in Cambourne to a house in Cambridge.
I thought, however, that I'd be happier back at Waldegrave, in Twickenham, in a place full of memories that were all good, surrounded by people i loved and trusted. I lived with dad, heartbroken without my mum, but fulfilled at school .

My dad turned out to be a depressive, with a tendency to drink too much wine, who got regularly angry with me, and swore, had increasingly louder circular conversations. Despite school being wonderful, my dad was a choking oppressive force, who alternated between being charming and being, well, crazed.

I came home, back to Cambridge, in March 2008. I'm the happiest I've been for 2 years. I weigh 39kg, and though Dr Jaffa says I must gain weight if I want to stay a vegan and continue doing ballet, I will never go over 43kg (95 lbs). I'm 5"1, so that can't be too much too ask.

I think my dad's an arsehole,not just because of my dire 6 months living with him, but because he's racist, and won't let me on a coach so I can go to my friend's birthday sleepover (which sounds petty, but it hurts) and because, when he was meant to be picking me up from a youth club last Saturday, at 11pm, his isomnia riddled nights laid him fast asleep by 9; he didn't bother to wake up and get me until midnight.

So, unofficially, I no longer bear his surname.
I am Florence Isabel Ward-Gallagher
14yrs
Anorexic, but forced onto the path of righteousness by everyone.
And apart from being fat, I have a relatively nice life.

Sayonara

First Entry

2008-05-01T16:06:14Z

So, until now I am a journal virgin really.
Ah well.

At the moment, things are anything but interesting.
I go to school, and then I eat, and then I sleep.

Until Saturday, I'm eating 1000kcal a day, compensating for the 1650kcal I had on Monday. I was scared. I had to go see Dr. Jaffa, world's 2nd most evil. 1st is my dad.

Do SAT's really matter - I haven't revised and they're next week. Ah well.

So, that's entry uno.
Now to find out how to do things on this site...