300 star jumps
Hope I can do muscle from fat replacement soon :(
- Mood:
full
It seems that, despite munching about 2000 per day, my emoty-stomach-in-the-morning weight has gone from 43.1kg to 42.5kg in about 4 days. Yay. Please god let it be from the upper arms!
Burnt 373 kcals walking around the natural history museum yesterday - it's awesome in there! And I came back with a soft t-rex haha!
This is just for the benefit of the imaginary cyber spiders.....
News just in - I have grown a cm, and way a ma-huh-sive 43.1kg on an empty stomach. *sob* It's all gone to my upper arms, stomach and lower back - WHY!!!!!!!!
So I am going to start lifting little dumbells... I liked having little arm twigs.....
Mum says if I maintain, then I can tell Dr Jaffa I want to leave at Christmas with her support! YAY!
And then my plan is thus...... maintain for a year, so I can reach optimum height. Then, when noone suspects a thing.... get down to RBW! (or Russian Ballet Weight - the ancient concept of your weight (in kg) being your height in cm -127!)
My aunt says I should at least reach 165cm, which would put my ideal at 38kg. Yayay. It's knowing that my fatness isn't permanent that keeps me going with this. Fucking doctors.
I can't wait to go to uni! Want to go to japan in my gap year for intensive language study as well.
Flabby upper arms and stomach major sob blablabla this is all i ever think about!
Plus, it's nice to know that, even after 4000 calories my weight stayed at 43.1.....*sigh of relief*.
- Mood:
determined
I really need to post regularly.
So, had my review almost 5 days ago. Gained 4lbs in 2 weeks. Nicht gut. Despite me now only being 3.6kg away from the weight me and my mum are wanting me to get to, Dr. J is getting inpatient. If, over the next 4 weeks, i don't put on about 1lb per week, then he will admit me to the phoenix centre for the summer to bump my weight back up. A) That will be a SHIT summer, and B) I'll probably have to get to more then 43kg.
So food is temporarily my friend.
Then, when my target weight is reached, excercise will ebcomemy best friend too.
If I can do sport and dance again, and be strong and lean and fit and super-duper active, then I don't mind eating shitloads. I'm not in an ng tube mentality anymore. :)
I'm going to have a nice life.
What the hell is wrong with me?
I never got to go on Saturday - I lost 0.3kg, eating 1850 kcal per day. How does that work, when I maintained the week previously on 1500?
And even now, in between controlled over-eating and restricting when i feel guilty for trying hard, I've still averaged 1850 over 8 days. I can't get my head around gaining, and I've got a freaking review next Tues.
fuckshitwank
I feel huge
Yet I'm so scared - if my weight goes in either direction then it's causes so much psychological and emotional stress... I got through ten kleenex's at my last weigh in, and practically collapsed in a sobbing heap on the kitchen floor yesterday.
fuckshitwank
bloodyhell
bleeeurgh
on a positive: went to see Billy Elliot on Thursday, with school - AWESOME! The kid did 15 fouettes at once! And my friend, Gracie, was in it; one of the dancing girls. It makes you so excited when you know someone!
It makes me want to cry and smile at the same time. I need to gain weight, otherwise I won't be allowed anything.
So why is it so hard?
Having gained no weight, as was discovered by the dietician, Mum decided that I am allowed no auditions until I reach my target weight, because she is fed up of me and my antics.
The audition for the English National Ballet School Assosciate 1 Year course is next week. And despite me shoving 800 calories down my neck, she still won't let me go.
This is the last year I can audition for it before I am too old. My dreams are dashed. I'm crying, but I don't know who I'm angry with. Her, for not warning me beore that those were her consequences, or me, for getting ill precisely when I wanted to start training for ballet again (age 12).
All I know is that I've lost all my reasons for eating and staying out of hospital. Dance was my one aspiration, that convinced me I wasn't going to be a failure my whole life, that gave me purpose, and soul.
And now it's gone.
And I'm more alone then I ever was before
i hate FREAKIN' DOCTORS and FREAKING MEALPLANS and FUCKING FOOOOD!
Averaging 1500 a day.
I'M GOING TO BE OBESE.
Coping with it all in my head is so draining... but if I don't gain 'out' then I'll have to gain 'in' if you get my drift.....*sniff* Basically there's no way around it. I can't even refuse to go to clinic on Tuesdays.
Attempted to go out with a girl from school today - I was so BORED, I diplomatically feigned illness and ran back home, to watch 'Britains Got Talent' with my folks (go George!). We're such a sad lot.
Meh, back to school tomorrow. I CAN'T BE BOTHERED! I like holidays, and doing nothing, and sleeping beyond 6am without feeling guilty. But ballet starts again w00t, which is a major plus.
The lip ring is still gunky, but not inflamed or painful - just expelling a bit if whitey-green-not-pus. I asked Anagha about it (doctor) when I saw her, and she just said keep cleaning it. So that's what I do. She wouldn't give me any anti-D's, although she admits I am probably depressed rather then possessing co-morbid low mood because, after all, I'm 82%, which is 'not that low bodyweight' in her terms. She alos made it clear that there is no possible way of discharging myself until I'm maintaining my TW. Cue tears. She said eventually, patience will run out and I'll be admitted as a day-patient again, or tubed, if I cxan't 'do it myself', but whatever happens, I will have to get to my TW.
No choice
I am destined to be huge.
Fuck It
- Mood:
pissed off
1200 the day before
1300 the day before that
GOD I HATE MYSELF
Avg. daily intake: 1334
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
It looks like there are some really funky movies coming out soon though, like 'The Forbidden Kingdom' and 'Kung Fu Panda'. I officially want to do martial arts!
Sat down practically all day yesterday; it was raining and I have a mound of holiday homework that I'm still nowhere near completing - so today i'm not going to if I can help it. Have already taken doggy for a walk, and am standing typing this so, no worries :)
Feel so ma-huh-ssive
Shit
- Mood:
restless
I'm trying to reason that if I get to my target weight then I'll get discharged.
But there's no way I can make myself have 1800 kcal.
My meal plan was meant to go uo to that yesterday.
But I skanked and refused stuff, and I only ended up having an extra 100.
Which only brought me to 1300, seeing as I normally get away with 1200.
Bought my lip ring though yesterday, which makes me happyhappyhappy.
My stepdad thinks it looks stupid, mum prefers the stud, but I don't give a shit.
HALF TERM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
- Mood: fat
Ms El-Jamali gave me some vegan gummi bears, as the rest of the girls in my group got eclairs - I was very touched.
- Mood: tired
Today has been jokes - after ballet and lunch I met Jazz in Richmond and we high-tailed it to Kingston and I bought my first ever bra (la senza, 30 aa, w00t!) which is sad but nevertheless bloody exciting for moi! Went back to Jazz's walked the dog, Fleur came round, we ate tea, drank Fleur's vodka/boost concoction she brought with her (vile) and pierced my own lip, then finished off a jar of peanut butter, because I felt sick and in a WTF I'm happy mood!
By -di-bye!
- Mood:
awake
Guten Abend.
School was manic last week - I'm absolutely certain I've failed ALL of my exams and am trying to think like 'Hey, WTF!', but I am sadly one of those people who always has to do well :)
We're going on our Duke of Edinburgh practise walkarounds on Tuesday/Wednesday in Norfolk - that's 15 miles of trudging *snore* I can just hope the weather's decent. If I'm cold then so help me... We practised putting the tent up in Nora's living room yesterday - there's 5 of us, and it sleeps 4... safe to say, it's very snuggly in there. Trawled around the newmarket rd tescos too, getting supplies - found 650 kcal bag of dried fruit that only weighs 175g so that's good for me (exotic boost - basically sugar, mango, pineapple, papaya, strawberries, physalis and COCONUT!!! Basically mega-yummy shit!) plus jelly tots! w00t!
Choosing GCSE's is really hard as well. My meeting left me a bit confused, and my mum and mr heatley kind of had it between themselves, so I'm making mum sit down and listen to me this evening, so she can send an email and give in my REAL choices tomorrow (one of the perks of her working in the office at school). I really want to do dance, but the way the timetable pans out means that I can't do it *sobsobsob* so I need to do a major ring round to Bodywork and King Slocombe and see if they do Dance GCSE or some kind of pre-a-level diploma.. I NEED TO DANCE AND THIS ARRANGEMENT SUCKS!!!!
Having seen the dietician on Tues, I've been put on a meal plan of 1500kcals, which is not so bad, I s'pose. We worked out that my BMR was 1198 kcals, and my ideal intake for weight gain 2200 - 2200!!!! But she respects that I'm not f***ing eating that much, and so upped my intake by 300 (I had a meal plan that Richmond NHS gave me, but it was so easy to cheat and yet still appear to be following it that it only ever gave me about 1000-1200 anyways). It's just remembering all the reasons I need to gain weight that's the hard bit. Mum keeps saying 'tube, phoenix, ballet, friends' to try remind me but, AAAAAAAAAAAARGH.
Toby Clarke is tres cute
- Mood: tired
My thanks to meeni_milk, who's like my angel-on-shoulder.
Going to my bi-weekily meeting at the clinic tomorrow; they'll help.
Good luck everyone in your own battles.
And wish me some to fight demons.
- Mood:
scared
- Mood: crappy
I gain 4 kg, I can get fit, and dance, and get 'ABS OF STEEL' as my stepdad puts it. Looking back, it's embarrassing how my posts are just food diaries. Christ I need to get a grip.
I will get a grip.
I'm going to be HAPPY!
I've started making a tunnel of one of my ear piercings - the right one. I've already got the 1.6 mm horn through; it's bleeding a bit, and it stings, but it's a start.
95 lbs is not that big anyways, is it? In the grand scheme of things? Right, as of tomorrow, it's 1200, otherwise my weigh-in on Tues will not be pretty.
TTFM
- Mood: optimistic
Made her a massive coffee and nut cake today, 'cause it's her birthday tomorrow. We're ok now though; my mania has passed since yesterday, and since 5 hours earlier, after tea. I made vegan mince today - 75g frozen veggie mince (120 kcals), 1/7 large onion, 1 small garlic clove, 3 tbsp salsa - and it was very yummy. It's now my FAV!!!
AND I'm allowed to go for a run on Saturday morning - how cool is that! Mum relented w00tw00t!
That's all I have to say, really. I have my Science SATs tomorrow *nail biting*. I'm so useless at everything in my life that I'll probably fail, like so many other things. I should just condemn my self to counting clouds and crunches and calories...
- Mood: full
It shouldn't be like this.
Not today
I've had the lowest in ages today, even with my prescribed snack I still have to have. It's not fair.
I'm only just realising how it's not fair to myself to keep up this masquerade of 'I'll be a ballerina'. I'm 14. I'm not on pointe, only grade 5, inflexible; most peeps who go onto do it professionally are already well developed in their grades, and their pointe. I'M USELESS. And there's nothin for it. I just have to suffer being crap at everything because that is what life is like for me. I got the fucking short straw.
I asked mum to have a kind of careers talk wiht my ballet teacher, and ask her about realistic possibilities. I wouldn't be able to take it if, at 16, I only then realised that my dream would never happen for me, because I was in hospital when I could have been having valuable training time. If I only then realised that all my aspirations were shattered.
If she says there is no hope then I don't know what I'll do. There's no point working towards anything, is there. I might as well have fun going down down down in that little spiral that the doctors just love to talk about, and I won't care. I'll be out of the house, on walks, my family won't have to suffer me, so they won't get p*d of or upset.
How can I face now putting thay straw to my mouth and having that milkshake, or eating my peanut butter and rice cakes? Through my tears, all it does it makes me shudder, yet mum is incessantly calling, 'Flo, come eat your stuff'' and she's getting louder and angrier and I can't put me or her through any more crap, but...AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH I'm sobbing my heart out and I don't know what to do. All my dreams just lie on this precipice, and are seriously threatening to fall. What is a person with no dreams? Life is worthless without them, and pointless.
I just want it all to be ok.
- Mood: depressed
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